remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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