just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
