He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
