I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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