So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
