Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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