He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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