Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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