i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
