I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
