two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
