1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
