you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
