Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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