So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
