i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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