I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
