I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
