I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
