so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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