were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
