I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize