I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think I died a long time ago.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
