Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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