girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
