On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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