I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
