Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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