Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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