he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
