I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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