I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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