apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
