I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize