there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
