I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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