i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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