Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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