a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
