watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
