just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
