mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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