I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize