hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
