There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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