just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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