Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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