He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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