Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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