my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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