everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
