did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
