Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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