omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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