Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My ass is underappreciated
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
