A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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