Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
