The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
