This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
