im drinking this country out of the recession.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
