Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
