i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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