I should be sponsored by Trojan
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They took my balls.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
