Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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